The Courage to Love

I’ve been at a strange cross roads in my life this past year or so, probably starting last summer really (2020). Sure the incoprehensibly long lockdowns and mismanagement of government in Canada have undoubtedly exacerbated my emotional state, but it’s not that alone, is it.

For a while now, the mainstream media, and really, the rather unintelligible conversation of friends, has been to have an opinion without asking if you’re interested in having it (the irony of this blog’s no doubt, controversial beginning). However, I do have to say that this is going to be to vent as much as it is to develop my own thinking in a open space. Journaling has it’s merits, grant you, and I have no intentions of bringing to light the more complicated details of others personal lives (especially not in their relation to me). Again though, some of what I will be attempting to address, and ideally, discuss will be areas that are no longer available for discussion in the arena of the mainstream. No longer am I able to ask questions about my own personal emotional state (being a heterosexual white male born into a developed society). No longer am I allowed to ask for what I want in terms of relationship, or if I don’t want, where my boundaries are. And now, thanks to the rather robust and convoluted nature of the changes in Canada, large groups of my family and friends won’t associate with me (not really, it’s more like benign neglect) due to the politic influence on the science community and making drastic legislative changes in the name of healthcare (again, this subject may come up at a later date, but not interested in it as the main focus for this article)

This article has to do with the fact that in recent years, I would estimate 2015 onwards, the interest and respect of your neighbour, your friend, your family member, and even just your local store owner, no longer became a priority. I would say especially during but not limited to, when identity politics in particular began gaining traction and cancel culture was all the new craze. I can remember, I began dating a girl in 2017, who was younger, and I was fresh out of something serious, but still, started really quite spectacularly. Now like all passionate relations, they require attention, likely a little more competent communication, and something to keep that spark alive when work and winter drag on life from time to time. One thing I noticed though, unfortunately I didn’t catch it before it was too late, was personal conversations between us (in all likelihood, in part to her exposure to the student body at the time, even younger) became political. Now, I should have noticed this because even in my early 20’s I began being able to distinguish between a conversation that was political and something intimate and personal, especially in relationships, of all kinds.

First thing to note then, is how is it ok to have politically public conversation about something that is personal? And more accurately, aren’t the individuals within that/those relationships more responsible for the emotional states of each other, not their subjective views on who the next likely incompetent, corrupt leader who’s going to be leading the US?

I think there’s some importance to politics because it’s one of the few major factors that can keep, or lead, and group of peoples, countries, tribes, or individuals, to/from war. And that’s valuable.

Still though, should we subject an individual’s emotional diversity to the policies and legislative thinking of the state? There are a number of complicated ideas to unravel in such a question, for example, if you bring it too far left thinking (unity, for example) then we get into dystopian authoritarianism, an idealistic viewpoint in which I cannot imagine a scarier existence.

Again though, we’re trying to understand the pulse of the world here. The thinking of the individual, the bizarre stance of division between individuals, and the undertone of fear that has been building, year over year. As many of the great hero’s of our time have fallen and villains apprehended, why is it that we still look to the masses for advice, and not to our friends and family. Why does family not only seem to be shattered as a construct more often and accepted rather than a challenge to be undertaken and pursued?

Why are we happy to work for longer, harder hours for a life we don’t want instead of going out of our way to give one small gesture to someone who might need it?

Look, many of the ideas here scare me to bring to public. Emotions are spectacular leverage for manipulating and abusing individuals, but is that the world you want to live in? I no longer accept this current world perspective of an online antithesis to humanity. I refuse to stand by ideally while people I love and care for bicker about things halfway around the world and yet, in turn, can’t spend an extra day with someone next door, with a friend, or loved one.

We aren’t going to change the world through political ideology or by blaming each other past transgressions, whether it’s identity, gender, sex, race, or any particular prejudices we all have. So what is love?

If you’ve forgotten, to some degree, as I have. Love is everything. It is the scent of a swimming pool you visited with your brothers that excited you on the evenings you could still spend with family. It’s the emotional bursting of your heart at your friends wedding you’re almost embarrassed to feel. It’s that gentle touch of a lover who’s very presence lights your skin on fire, that sensation you can scents long before they’re even close.

It’s personal though, subjective even, depending on the upbringing, cultural background, and likely, even economic situation. Not that this is always true, but anyway ever notice how genuine someone ‘feels’ when they are brought up under circumstances where the emotional expectations are, well, authentic. Where space is given for them to express themselves and develop their ideas in a safe environment, and then go and challenge themselves against the world; a call to adventure, so to speak.

How are we ever going to resolve some of the more complex issues within our tribes, our cultures, and ourselves, if we are no longer allowed to challenge the status quo? If ‘learning’ is reserved for the few, and then bastardized by the many? If critical thinking, along with attention, really, is barely an acceptable subject matter to pursue. Emotions are the language of the body. And yes, the mind and intellect is to be revered, but in conjunction with the body, and thereby, the emotions. There is some science finally coming out to back this, but again; different subject for a different day.

We need to be able to talk our problems out. It used to be that, at least under healthy circumstances, family and spiritual beliefs were decent ways to commune and connect with the individuals within your tribe or culture or community. We cannot outsource our emotions. We cannot refuse to accept responsibility for the emotional trauma we may place on others in the event that we don’t deal with our past.

I don’t know what the future holds, and I can’t promise I won’t make mistakes in the future. I just know that I no longer want to wait in fear of some ideologues judgement. And I know, just as every child under the gods does, I won’t live without love.

Rather bizarre notion I’m noticing as this articulate opinion comes to its end, but it just happens to be the 5th of November (just after 2 am to be clear). It seems like an appropriate personal revolution to change and perhaps at least few individuals will hold me accountable as I begin on this new journey forward.

PS: Final note, wasn’t planning on just posting, but timing is too good, so edits will come later. Website also isn’t hardly complete, I just wanted to get blogging and developing some ideas in public, thanks for listening.